Sunday, April 19, 2015

Blurred Lines

You're in control of your life.

Obviously, we all start off on a certain rung of the ladder based on our parents and our family circumstances.

However, at some point, the decisions we make begin to influence the paths we find ourselves taking.

Aside from the socioeconomic side of things, I've recently decided to be more forthright with what I want and don't want.


As my last relationship neared it's end, my ex-beau began to create distance between us in several ways. He reduced the number of times he texted me and the number of times he called me each day. He definitely wasn't seeing anyone else. Rather than having a discussion with me and attempting to make a clear plan of action, distancing himself was how he decided to deal with the frustration of not being able to see me when he wanted. In my mind, he gave up. When things got difficult, and when the situation wasn't perfectly ideal for him, he quit it.

When it came time for me to tell him that it wasn't going to work out, it was difficult because I cared for him, but the fact that he gave up when things weren't ideal for him made it a little less difficult. Honestly, I was okay with not seeing him ALL the time. I tend to like my space sometimes.

Anyway, we ended the relationship. The days that followed were difficult emotionally. I didn't really discuss the break-up with anyone in detail, so trying to harbor everything didn't make those next couple days any easier.

A couple weeks after the relationship ended, he texted me to say hi, and a day or so after that initial text, he said he missed talking to me. After that, we either talked via telephone or text, daily.

I hated it. Immediately after we broke up, I deleted his information from my cell phone and deleted his events from my google calendar. I never remove bandaids slowly. I prefer to rip them off in a single, rapid movement. That way, once the wound is no longer oozing liquids, it can get the air it needs to heal properly.

Him contacting me after the fact, left my wound raw, and unable to heal the way it needed to heal. Being in contact was emotionally confusing for me in lots of ways.

After about a week of this, I called and told him "I needed time to miss him less." I wanted to stroke his ego a little, while ending all ties. Later, I realized that up to that point, I let him take control of how often we called and texted each other (which was wayyyy too much). I decided to take control, and I was proud to do so.

About a week after virtually telling him I needed time to completely forget him and everything I loved about "us", the regret kicked him.

On a daily basis, I contemplated texting him to tell him I missed him and wanted to be friends with him. When this happened, I reminded myself of the list of reasons I knew he and I would never be together long-term. I also reminded myself that he gave up on our relationship. That led me to decide that I didn't need a quitter in my "corner".

My advice to self et al.: hold tightly to the people who are there when you need them, who support you, who listen when you think no one cares, and who listen when no one else seems to have time to listen. Cherish, above all else, those who will stick with you when your life takes a turn down a dark, winding path you can't bear to go down alone.

Remember, those who are all too willing to forsake you at the mere semblance of your path becoming anything but perfectly straight, are dispensable. You have to be willing to let them go.

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His Awesome Splendor

His Awesome Splendor
Upon seeing this view, I knew I had to capture it.

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My Fave...