Letting Go...

Sometimes you just have to let go.
It's 12am on [date]
I'm at [internship location] lying in my bed, staring into the darkness
and I just let go.
It just hit me.
I wasn't surprised.
I was actually in denial (yeah, big surprise, huh?).
"We'll stay in touch."
"We're still 'good' friends."
"He doesn't really like her."
What was I thinking?
Even you can see that none of that stuff was true.

We were great together.
He was so so right for me.

Yes,
some things about him differed from me,
but so what!!
I didn't want a reflection of myself
I wanted my other half.

What's wrong with me?!
I had 'em.
He had me.
I messed up.
I really messed up.
One of those mistakes that doesn't just go away.
It doesn't just scar you for life,
It haunts you for life.
I'll always wonder what would've happened,
but I don't think I'll ever know for sure.

See, I didn't use 'never.'
I didn't say,
'But I will never know for sure.'
I'm trying to preserve my last bit of hope.

I actually already do wonder
how it would have been.
What it would be like to be his.
How we would be together,
how the we would affect our individual lives - relationships with God, school, and family.
None of that matters now, though.
At least not to me.
It matters to the lovely young lady with whom he has chosen to spend his time.

I forgot her name.

She has to be someone special
to have the privilege of being his girl;
but at the same time,
she doesn't deserve him.
Nothing she could do or say
would make her deserve him,
because no one really deserves him.
No one.
We ladies can only be ourselves
and hope
that we are remotely worthy
to walk at his side,
to be graced by the wonderful man that he is,
and
to be called
his.